how to get your friend to have sex with you

[Joe Statler 0]

From the HONGFIRE forums.

So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future

Her current boyfriend is dead

c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise

d) In the future your relationship is not going well

e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed

f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day

g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.

2) Life will carry on as normal.

3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

http://batteriesfeelincluded.blogspot.com/2009/05/309.html

[Luikseer 1]

Wow... I am extremely straight... But I kinda love you a little Statler... DUDE!!! THAT IS AMAZING!!! It'd never work... But It is AMAZING!!!

[daangelo29 5]

LOL

But based from my experience, it won't really work dude. A girl would know better than that.

Also, she is your friend after all. Why not tell her what you really feel straight to her than just commit a "low level rape" which, if she finds out you've faked it all, would make things worse?

If you really want to have sex with her desperately that you want the sex part more than the in-love-with-her-that-you-wished-you-were-his-BF part, why not do the traditional way? -- alcohol. (at least this one is not as worse as those 17 steps)

[iMaster 0]

Being straight is like killing your target with an arrow, while you only need to get its attention.

[daangelo29 5]

Being straight is like killing your target with an arrow, while you only need to get its attention.

It is indicated that the girl is his friend, and so he should know better as a friend. Of course, he has to say it to her in a friendly way. So it would be like the target has already noticed the shooter and shooter has already got her attention before he could even shoot at her by simply holding that loaded bow-gun...unless you're referring to something else.

[Luikseer 1]

Wouldn't work... Sometimes women have this annoying thing where they see someone in a certain role and ignore everything else... This I know from personal experience here... Course I was dumb enough to not just like the girl... I fell for her... But yeah, messed up the relationship. We still talk though... Expressing feelings to someone who is a "friend". Never a good idea... Let the chick do it... But yeah this would never work... I have however always wanted to play that trick on a friend... Or make it a two man gag, and do the body switch thing...

[Joe Statler 0]

It's not meant to be taken seriously, it's just a big joke.

[EarthwormJim 1]

lukiseer, dont think your special, and don't buttheadume that your the only one to go through that scenario. it happens to ever guy WITHOUT fail. for those who are reading this who say "that never happened to me" that just means it hasnt happened yet. seriously, harden the f*** up

and angelo, getting a girl drunk just to have sex with her is a really really stupid thing to do. unless your drunk as well. and you both have to prettymuch be on the same level of drunk.

and when you get a bit older youll realise the majority of the feelings you have had for various girls over the years have just been immature versions of "I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS FEMALE" you think their romantic feelings but in fact the likelyhood is your too immature to be able to comprehend real love. therefore (when your a bit older) youll realise that you just wanted to f*** them. true romantic feelings probably wont crop up untill you start having sex, or failing that if your lucky (or seeing as in this scenario your still a virgn, unlucky) enough to meet somone who is near perfectly suited too you. wait i just checked your age and realised that its likely youv already started having sex... okay pretend im talking to a fourteen year old (is it okay i buttheadumed your 14? its just the whole obsession with sonic and selectively religious thing that made me think that).

and btw the terminator scenario thing could really work if your friend is an idiot, in wich case why are you friends with them in the first place?

Edited May 25, 2009 by EarthwormJim

[K.A.R.R. 0]

If you put both plans together it could work

[Joe Statler 0]

wait i just checked your age and realised that its likely youv already started having sex...

Hey, even I didn't start till I was 20 (late bloomer, actually most of the girls I went out with were finicky). Now I haven't had it in over a year.

and btw the terminator scenario thing could really work if your friend is an idiot, in wich case why are you friends with them in the first place?

Actually, rewriting the whole scenario to make it seem more like BTTF would be better. Since the BTTF franchise technically isn't as famous as the Terminator franchise. Also, there are many chicks out there who haven't seen Back To The Future or even heard of it (damn female co-workers), but you ask any chick out there if they've seen any Terminator movie and they will most likely say yes. Although the answer will most likely be RISE OF THE MACHINES or the upcoming SALVATION.

[daangelo29 5]

and angelo, getting a girl drunk just to have sex with her is a really really stupid thing to do. unless your drunk as well. and you both have to pretty much be on the same level of drunk.

I said both of you get drunk. I took this advice from my female friend, who also found the 17 steps thing funny (I'm betting it's based from her experiences as a teenage drunk ). And I'm 17, and not obsessed with Sonic. If you remember that specific topic I made before, you'd know why I'm talking about Sonic the most at the moment.

Wouldn't work[...]

I love it when you guys take "Playground Forum topics" seriously.

[Luikseer 1]

I was just saying... it wouldn't... and technically, i'm just saying things for the younger kids like bttftempex if he reads this... i remember thinking was possible when i was 14. Wanna make sure sure they dont do something stupid... plus i want the posts for ranking...

[ArticLight 0]

I was just saying... it wouldn't... and technically, i'm just saying things for the younger kids like bttftempex if he reads this... i remember thinking was possible when i was 14. Wanna make sure sure they dont do something stupid... plus i want the posts for ranking...

If you're 13/14 years old and you're really thinking of doing that, than you are NUTS imo.

[EarthwormJim 1]

im being honest here okay, i lost my virginity when i was 14 to a girl who was the same age as me and we were both sober. it really isnt a huge deal.

and lukiseer is 20 you idiot. look at peoples profiles before you make buttheadumptions about their ages (heh heh..... shut up)

[iMaster 0]

My account once stated I am 98.

[Guest Dan_The_Pineapple]

technically I'm 53, but I have the eager mind of a life expecting 32 year old.

[iMaster 0]

Seriously? You don't give that impression. The internet, what did you expect from it?

[Joe Statler 0]

technically I'm 53, but I have the eager mind of a life expecting 32 year old.

53? My mother and father are both 53. And I'm sorry, you don't seem 53 to me. Just another teenager who lies about their age.

[iMaster 0]

When I was 13, my Youtube account stated I was 25. So... yeaaaaaah....

[EarthwormJim 1]

i prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, unless they unconciousl prove otherwise

[ArticLight 0]

and lukiseer is 20 you idiot. look at peoples profiles before you make buttheadumptions about their ages (heh heh..... shut up)

i remember thinking was possible when i was 14.

I was referring to the fact that he thought this was possible at the age of 14.

[EarthwormJim 1]

oops, oh well. anyway still i know girls who are not only extremely hot but stupid enough to fall for this sort of trick

Edited May 27, 2009 by EarthwormJim

[Guest Dan_The_Pineapple]

53? My mother and father are both 53. And I'm sorry, you don't seem 53 to me. Just another teenager who lies about their age.

Oh I'm sure that there’s no possible way that I'm actually 53... The movie came out in the 80’s; I was almost 29 when I watched it too. Since then it’s been 24 years and I'm still obsessed. You guys know too many old guys who don't use computers or play any video games. Your all missing out, we can be... fun... and educational. I may not have as much experience with computer games as most of you, but I was playing arcade games at 7/11 before you were even thought of.

Edited May 27, 2009 by Dan_The_Pineapple

[iMaster 0]

The movie came out in 1985/1986 in some countries, I watched it in 1996. That doesn't prove anything, does it?

[Luikseer 1]

Yes i'm 20. And I didn't lose my virginity till college. And all I was saying was that when I was 14 I thought anything was possible... Like becoming a mutant, always wanted to do that... lol...